#5

Every so often I get the urge to disappear. Move somewhere, delete Facebook, remove myself. Fly out to somewhere, like an island in Indonesia, and stay for months at a time. I don't know where it comes from, but if I were to venture a guess, it would be that the supportive company with which I surround myself leads inevitably to comparisons, in my own head, of their lives and mine.

It could be anything else, but this is what I'm comfortable with thinking. It's a powerful pull, this idea that I can just up and disappear. Not have to see anyone or be anyone or even care, just disappear. Get where I'm going, and lock up my passport and wallet. Why does it seem so comfortable and easy to think that? Is it some sort of analogue of suicide? Is that what I actually want, and this is just a projection?

Talking myself out of feeling bad has been working. Not great, but everyone has to have coping mechanisms and I'm willing to be patient with mine. I've also discovered that physically doing something with my hands means that my bipolar is kept at bay, so I've been trying to reinforce that. Makes me think that perhaps the idea to switch careers to something in the trades might be more valid than I first believed.

Today's been a good day. I haven't been down, just quiet. I've gotten things done, and haven't really felt like collapsing. It's strange that that ranks as a good day.

I can say, though, that the depression I feel right now isn't really *caused* by my bipolar per se, but more as a result of being aimless and jobless. I want to do something, be something, but it's sort of hard to commit to that when I've got nowhere to go. I have all these ideas of things I can do or be, but I'm missing the spark, the oomph to push it forward that a job brings.

I'm hoping that speaking with a career counsellor and maybe getting some inkling of other careers I can do will help me push it forward. I've been looking into things like welding, that seems interesting. I don't know, though.

I have to be careful with these grand ideas. Part of me wonders whether or not they are influenced by my bipolar - I do have a tendency to scheme, and fall apart at the first difficulty. I find it hard to commit.

This sounds like it'd be a good opportunity for a secure job where I can work with my hands and actually do something. Not attend meetings, do corporate things like create change and strategy, and fulfill requirements and timelines with limited resources juggling project deadlines and missing pieces.

This just seems like... Come in. Do the work. Do it perfect. Do it again. Like sharpening knives, or polishing boots. Develop a rhythm, do it right, move on.

I want to do that. It sounds like something I'd like. But I'd want to hear more about it. I doubt it's that romantic, but somehow the idea of working with my hands is something I'd like more than what I'm getting now.

I dunno. Life is weird that way. Maybe I'll find something. I hope I do.