17

 It's Friday, May 14, 2021.

I stopped working with ELL in March, I've been job hunting since and money's running tight. I'm going to need to move back home. I don't relish the experience, and it's probably going to be another six months, realistically, before I find a job again. 

Damn. Not really what I wanted. It's a sunny beautiful day and I have my dog and I'm at home but I still woke up with a mental block. One of those clouds that sinks over my head occasionally.

Today I'm going to the beach and swinging the Kong around with the dog if only to get in some exercise. But I also need to be outside. I need to be away from things. I need to run away from my problems for a little bit. 

What problems, really. I have a home and people who love me but the constant gut punch of not being able to keep a job really, really sucks. I don't know what's wrong or what to do and I keep applying to jobs on the off chance that I get one and it kind of sucks I don't really want to be here and I don't know what to do about it other than keep applying to jobs and then get a shitty one when my money and luck run out. A dead end warehouse job where expectations are minimal and I can do something with low stress.

I don't want it. I don't want to live with the unending cycle of dead-end jobs and being one of those brilliant-mind types. It sucks. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm trying not to be negative, I'm trying to keep things on the positive side and breathe regularly and refocus but it m,eans I'm still going home to my shitty, messy, shameful apartment with just me and my dogh and single-serving dinners by myself in front of a TV and goddamnit I'm just about ready to cry from it right now I'm so lonely. 

Lonely and drifting. I don't know where my future is and home at mom and dad's is just another holding pattern in a life full of delays. It's not that everyone else feels happier than I am, it's that even the small happinesses of others seem to throw me into a state where (unreasonably) I feel as though I'll never have them. Even the people who crawl out of the muck and find a good, positive place to be. I'm not there. Not right now. And even though I have some of the things I wanted five years ago, I don't have them for long enough. Life seems to slip through my fingers like sand. 

Going to the beach.

Listening to podcasts and whatnot for the day - Maybe catch up on Mission to Zyxx and a few others. watch Invincible tonight. 

Drift off. Into an aimlessness. L'appel du vide.

16

    It seems like everything goes sideways so quick now. It's not even one day Im fine and the next everything is terrible. It's like a slow descent into it - I can feel it coming and I can see the markers but sometimes it feels like I'm a ride and I can control the speed but not the course. My back hurts and my legs ache which is a surefire sign. It started because I got thrown for a loop by a surprise performance review, which is never good.

 

But this is a pattern in nmy life. I don't know what's goijng on but I feel like I need therapy.

 

Ont he other hand, I'm just. So. Tired. Like, I don't want to struggle with this anymore. I don't want it. Take it back. And if it means I have to return everything else I will just so I don't have to feel anymore. Just not to feel would be a pleasure and a privilege. I don't want to do this. 

 

I want to be somewhere dark and quiet, crying and rocking back and forth until I'm ready to see the world again. I know it's not a good idea but I don't really have anything else in my pocket at the moment. I can't really deal with a lot right now and there seem to be overwhelming demands even though objectively it's not too complicated right now.

 

I feel like everything's falling. Maybe not spiralling, but even with a simple life I find myself juggling a lot. Why am I like this. Where do I go? Why am I like this. 

 

I'll take this ovrer my worst non medicated days but holy fuck they're both pretty bad. It's a close choice, really. The freedom to let go of my meds and completely ruin the brain I have left seems really appetizing right now. Go on a suicidal bender and tattoo "DNR" on my wrists so at least I don't have to live when I choose to die. 

 Legit, I wish I knew what to do. I know I need help but it feels like such a long ways away, I don't know what else to do here. 

#15

 It's been over a year since I last posted. I have a job now. Still living in the same place, things are in a comfortable groove. 

I've started smoking pot since COVID started, so I've been relapsed for awhile now. I've also had a few bipolar cycles along the way. Still keeping up with my meds though, so that's good.

This morning I realized - I don't think I'm ever going to get married or find love. I've been in this space before. I've accepted it, but today in the shower, I realized that I'm not really okay about it. I'm lonely and missing things. I'm sitting here in a filthy apartment at my desk while I work and just... Wondering. I don't know, man. I just want someone to share a home with. 

It might just be because I've downloaded the entire series of Mad About You, but part of me wonders - Of all the reasons I've dreamt up and fantasies I've ever had of why I'd leave my life, I never realized this would be one of them. 

I don't really know what to say about this, but that's something I say to a lot of things about myself. I just don't know. 

Loneliness eats me up inside. I hate being alone, I hate not having validation of who I am outside of the people who love me at the moment. I don't know how to do this - Everyone says that you take your time, that life isn't a schedule and you decide when things happen, but...

Goddamn, I'm 39 this year. I've waited for so long and now I'm sitting here lost. I wish I knew what to tell you when you read this back, whenever you come back here. You might have someone in your life. You might have the things now that I wanted at the time I wrote this. Things might've taken a 180, you have a wife and kids and responsibilities.

Nassim's husband Ami died a little while ago - leukemia and COVID and MS. Married for more than 40 years. 

I'm never going to have that kind of marriage. That kind of bond, a life together. 

What do I do besides hope.