Hey buddy, it's been awhile. Thjis will probably be the first in a l;onger series of posts.
On Feb 28, 2019 I admitted to myself that I'm an addict. I'm coming up on one month clean, and I wanted to let things out here a little.
I still feel alone. Not as alone as before - I have people I can talk to about it. But I'm climbing a pretty giant emotional hill right now, and poeriods of downtime where I have nothing to do are not as good for me as I once thought, they seem to reinforce my loneliness. I'm just as afraid of doing things that distract me from my loneliness as I am of being alone itself. I('m trying to slowly get back i8nto standup buyt I feel like slowly isn't really going to get me anywhere right now, I need to get into it .
I''m still trying, though. Getting clean has brought up a lot of things I didn
't think it would - I'm emotionally got a lot of growing to do - maturity isn't something that has come easy, and I numbed a lot of who I was through using.
I still think of suicide. Of how easy it would be to just leave and not have to deal with so many things any more. I''m still tired, mentally, of all the shit that I now have to do, again. Picking myself up has been a specialty but it's realkly fucking tiring, man., I''m lost and I don't know what to do and as much as I have brief periods of joy I feel like the road to recovery makes me sadder than it does happier. I'm learning, and I think the cognitive disconnect between who I was and who I''m trying to become is the source of it - The pain is the result of trying to grow, trying to be someone. I don't know what it means yet, but I feel like I have to go through this. Not as a martyrdowm or anything, but I vacillate between being glad I'm getting better and taking in the pain, and just wanting it all to stop. Letting go. Not necessarily using again, but just... I dunno.
I made dill pickles yesterday and put them into the cupboard to ferment so now every time I open the cupboard I get a waft of dill, garlic, and pickling spices. It's really calming to sit there and inhale the smell. I'm trying to cook more healthy, and my next step is to start writing more standup. I think that will help - Performance is something I've learned to be good at because I seem...
I was able to fool myself and others - I could slip on a skin and try to be someone else. I think performing on stage is an extension of that, and so I might feel better for it.
