It's Friday, May 14, 2021.
I stopped working with ELL in March, I've been job hunting since and money's running tight. I'm going to need to move back home. I don't relish the experience, and it's probably going to be another six months, realistically, before I find a job again.
Damn. Not really what I wanted. It's a sunny beautiful day and I have my dog and I'm at home but I still woke up with a mental block. One of those clouds that sinks over my head occasionally.
Today I'm going to the beach and swinging the Kong around with the dog if only to get in some exercise. But I also need to be outside. I need to be away from things. I need to run away from my problems for a little bit.
What problems, really. I have a home and people who love me but the constant gut punch of not being able to keep a job really, really sucks. I don't know what's wrong or what to do and I keep applying to jobs on the off chance that I get one and it kind of sucks I don't really want to be here and I don't know what to do about it other than keep applying to jobs and then get a shitty one when my money and luck run out. A dead end warehouse job where expectations are minimal and I can do something with low stress.
I don't want it. I don't want to live with the unending cycle of dead-end jobs and being one of those brilliant-mind types. It sucks. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm trying not to be negative, I'm trying to keep things on the positive side and breathe regularly and refocus but it m,eans I'm still going home to my shitty, messy, shameful apartment with just me and my dogh and single-serving dinners by myself in front of a TV and goddamnit I'm just about ready to cry from it right now I'm so lonely.
Lonely and drifting. I don't know where my future is and home at mom and dad's is just another holding pattern in a life full of delays. It's not that everyone else feels happier than I am, it's that even the small happinesses of others seem to throw me into a state where (unreasonably) I feel as though I'll never have them. Even the people who crawl out of the muck and find a good, positive place to be. I'm not there. Not right now. And even though I have some of the things I wanted five years ago, I don't have them for long enough. Life seems to slip through my fingers like sand.
Going to the beach.
Listening to podcasts and whatnot for the day - Maybe catch up on Mission to Zyxx and a few others. watch Invincible tonight.
Drift off. Into an aimlessness. L'appel du vide.
