Its been awhile since I was back. Im healthy and medicated now so I dont have quite the same level of fears and anxieties I once did.
But I do still fear being lonely. I am alone.
Friends and family, ye4s, but romantic love, the kind that validates you as a person, I dont have.
I am desperatel;y lonely. The problem is I see no way of getting out of it. I caught myself looking up at the sky yesterday wondering what the point of living is if I cant have someone in my bed, someone around me to take the edge off life. I can fill my days with hobbies, with pursuits, volunteering, and attempting to make the world a better place, but if I dont have love with that...
Whats the point?
Strangely, I still have no opinion of living or dying. I died tomorrow, it wouldn't be such a bigf deal for me. Id probably be scared as it happened, but Id like ideally to pass quietly and easily, like with an exit bag.
I feel numb. I'll be fine tomorrow morning or in a few days. But I definitely feel numnb, and alone.
I looked at the sky yesterday, and felt utterly alone, in the cosmic sense. Like, surrounded by a vast, uncaring cosmos to which I am less than an insignificant speck. It is humiliating - The scope of this feeling washes out even the attempt to address it.
Im lonely. Bored. Tired of life.
So... I dont really know what to do here. There's no wrapping it up, I just don't know how to feel about this.
I'm lonely. A little scared. Depressed. Tired of life.
If I disappeared tomorrow, would it be such a bad thing? I don't want to die, of course - I'm not planning to commit suicide or anything ridiculous. But would it really be so bad to disappear and be numb for a little while?
