16

    It seems like everything goes sideways so quick now. It's not even one day Im fine and the next everything is terrible. It's like a slow descent into it - I can feel it coming and I can see the markers but sometimes it feels like I'm a ride and I can control the speed but not the course. My back hurts and my legs ache which is a surefire sign. It started because I got thrown for a loop by a surprise performance review, which is never good.

 

But this is a pattern in nmy life. I don't know what's goijng on but I feel like I need therapy.

 

Ont he other hand, I'm just. So. Tired. Like, I don't want to struggle with this anymore. I don't want it. Take it back. And if it means I have to return everything else I will just so I don't have to feel anymore. Just not to feel would be a pleasure and a privilege. I don't want to do this. 

 

I want to be somewhere dark and quiet, crying and rocking back and forth until I'm ready to see the world again. I know it's not a good idea but I don't really have anything else in my pocket at the moment. I can't really deal with a lot right now and there seem to be overwhelming demands even though objectively it's not too complicated right now.

 

I feel like everything's falling. Maybe not spiralling, but even with a simple life I find myself juggling a lot. Why am I like this. Where do I go? Why am I like this. 

 

I'll take this ovrer my worst non medicated days but holy fuck they're both pretty bad. It's a close choice, really. The freedom to let go of my meds and completely ruin the brain I have left seems really appetizing right now. Go on a suicidal bender and tattoo "DNR" on my wrists so at least I don't have to live when I choose to die. 

 Legit, I wish I knew what to do. I know I need help but it feels like such a long ways away, I don't know what else to do here. 

#15

 It's been over a year since I last posted. I have a job now. Still living in the same place, things are in a comfortable groove. 

I've started smoking pot since COVID started, so I've been relapsed for awhile now. I've also had a few bipolar cycles along the way. Still keeping up with my meds though, so that's good.

This morning I realized - I don't think I'm ever going to get married or find love. I've been in this space before. I've accepted it, but today in the shower, I realized that I'm not really okay about it. I'm lonely and missing things. I'm sitting here in a filthy apartment at my desk while I work and just... Wondering. I don't know, man. I just want someone to share a home with. 

It might just be because I've downloaded the entire series of Mad About You, but part of me wonders - Of all the reasons I've dreamt up and fantasies I've ever had of why I'd leave my life, I never realized this would be one of them. 

I don't really know what to say about this, but that's something I say to a lot of things about myself. I just don't know. 

Loneliness eats me up inside. I hate being alone, I hate not having validation of who I am outside of the people who love me at the moment. I don't know how to do this - Everyone says that you take your time, that life isn't a schedule and you decide when things happen, but...

Goddamn, I'm 39 this year. I've waited for so long and now I'm sitting here lost. I wish I knew what to tell you when you read this back, whenever you come back here. You might have someone in your life. You might have the things now that I wanted at the time I wrote this. Things might've taken a 180, you have a wife and kids and responsibilities.

Nassim's husband Ami died a little while ago - leukemia and COVID and MS. Married for more than 40 years. 

I'm never going to have that kind of marriage. That kind of bond, a life together. 

What do I do besides hope.