Today's a day for quiet breathing. Little things are throwing me off. Rejections from jobs. Bad interviews. The inertia of life. I'm fighting back with something new I've learned, the necessity of positive thinking. I'm learning that indulging in my self-reflectivity results in deeper pits than I would've previously thought - I thought being metacognitive about myself and my illness would help me to better identify how to avoid the dips that I associate with the worst of my illness. But instead, it's avoiding those thought patterns entirely that seems to have the most effect.
Today's a day to do things to keep my mind off that sneaky beast. I've mowed the back lawn, have the front one to go. There's cleaning I can do, and jobs to which I can apply, but after awhile it gets wearing to apply to jobs, to try and network, to be consistently faced with the potential of failure.
Even interviews are demoralizing at this point. It's frustrating. I don't want it to be frustrating. I want to find a simple job in a simple place that pays enough fro me to live simple. But I can't even find that. I guess my definition of simple ins't, well, simple. But still, I'd really like the opportunity to start SOMETHING. Jesus, I can['t seem to help it, I get turned down EVERYWHERE. Job hunting sucks. I have to reach out to the people at ODSP, but I've seen those job agencies, they're not particularly helpful. There's no way to get a job THROUGH them, there's no listings or anything.
God, I really want a break. I was thinkng about that today, [picking up my shit and leaving for another country. The romance of it, the opportunity to leave all my shit behind and just start somewhere. I'd really like that. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels here and not getting anywhere, no matter where I apply. I don't know why, or how, or what I can do to improve. And everyone I know who's listing jobs is getting supremely qualified candidates. I'm just a middle-of-the-road schmuck. How am I supposed to go any further.
Take it one day at a time. One step at a time. One day it'll all make sense.
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