#6

So here I am again, trying to put into words  that which is unfathomable. I  looked up at the sky a few nights ago and thought "You know what if I die tomorrow morning, this would be the... I'd be happy to die tomorrow morning, after seeing tonight. The moon was high in the sky, the stars were out and the night was clear. I was genuinely convinced that if that night was my last on earth I'd have no objections leaving.

The problem is, I find myself doing that a lot. Saying with an increasingly frightening level of finality that I recognize the day as being beautiful only bu comparing it to the fact that I still would if I had no more.

I've had an off few days. Like a knot in my guts, there's a ball that wants to rise up through my throat and choke me into floods of tears. I don't why the instinct to cry is so strong when I'm feeling this way, but I get overhwhenlmed. I feel like standing quietly at the sink in the middle of making dinner to take some breaths and potentially burst into gusts of sobs.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by life. Mad with fear. I don't really know how to handle it, and the sentiments aren't something I can readily share with others - After all, how do you really describe the process of going through a down period to anyone but yourself without really exposing hw different that... How do you describe your down periods without making it sound like you're crazy. You can't. So you donb't, really. I mean, there's only so many ways you can say "Look, I'm feeling shitty and I need to talk", because, and I'm going to be honest, I'm not even sure *I* want to hear it anymore. I now I feel shitty. I know I'm having a bad day. But beyond that, I don't really know anything. Except for the fact that the only thing that really helps is simple human contact - A hug.

I wish I knew what to do with my life. I wish I did.

I wish to have a job.

I wish to move out.

I wish to get adog.

These three things would make me happy. I wish to be self sufficient, but I am not... I know these are simple things. But I want to keep things simple. I am rapidly becoming a more simple man. I would just like those three things in life right now.

Excuse me, I'm going to go lie down, and maybe cry a little to get it out of my system.