18

 Today's been a hard day. Woke up fine, but it hit like a ton of bricks at some point in the early morning. Then got an e-mail about being a little more detailed in work and now feedback that is useful is giving me some deep fucking anxiety and I don't really have anyone to talk to about this feeling not that it'd do any good because I kind of just have to soldier through it until work is done. I hate this. It attacks me when I'm not ready and I spend my day trying to manage this weight while responding with appropriate emotion at work and trying not to overwhelm myself with my own anxiety. 

I'm just wond'rin why I feel so all alone. Why I'm a stranger in my own life.

I'm going to bed at 4. Just going to pass out in the dark and sleep for a while.

I feel like crying right now to get everything out. There's too much volumne, too much light, too much sensation for my brain to take in right now. I want to be alone in a dark quiet space so I can just be. Stripped of all the things I need to pay attention to.

I feel alone. Like, really isolated. I am supremely glad to be home where I can be distracted and supported with the basics, but I have no capability to make decisions and no energy to focus on things

I feel like a burden. Nobody seems to want to engage and even if I could what would I say right now. I can't really explain the tightness in the pit of my stomach, the clenched muscles and back pain that comes from this stuff. The paranoia, endless and nagging. It pushes itself like a splinter into my brain and I can't seem to extract it. Everything I have to do swims around my head.

What... What do I do here. I know I'm going to cut back on the weed pretty significantly. Once a weekend, not going through a haze where I can't and don't want to do anything. Warning signs, and all.

I'm at the point today where I'm recasting the failures in life, walking through it like "What did I do wrong, why am I here feeling like this right now", the way every bipolar episode happens. I'm lucky that this will go away quickly but while I'm in it holy shit does it suck. 

I need to breathe, refocus. I want to cry but I know it's not going to help. Feeling poisonously contemplative. I have nothing left in the tank right now - I'm staring into space, unfocused and unwilling to figure this out. 

One day at a time, one step at a time. One breath at a time. I don't knwo what else to do. What if I disappeared? Just... Stole off in the night, threw off all my clothes drank until I couldn't anymore, and walked into the lake. 

 I'd be missed, but not in pain anymore. The problem is that every time I fall down it hurts more and takes longer to get up. No amount of planning or self-forgiveness or forward vision or hope or understanding soothes it.